The mofo in the picture is a Hoffmann’s two-toed sloth (Choloepus hoffmanni). First off, Choeloepus is a genus of two toed sloths. It means maimed foot, which sounds kind of mean, but they do only have two toes. Thaaaaankkkss, evolution. Naming things you find after yourself is kind of lame (I’m looking at you Hoffmann, Colombus, Amerigo Vespucci, etc., etc., etc.), but hey at least you’re remembered with a sloth and that’s pretty badass.
Sloths are arboreal, much like myself. They live in trees and hang out there all the time. They live their whole lives upside down. Seriously. They do EVERYTHING upside-down. Everything. Also, much like you people of the internet, they are nocturnal, slow, and quite solitary. But that’s alright, because they are adorable. Adorable enough that when it comes time to mate, these little dudes will find a friend and procreaaaaatttee! Also, upside down. There’s foreplay too! It’s kind of cute actually. The female licks the male’s face (stop laughing, jerks. The poor things aren’t socialized, remember? They don’t know how to kiss properly and I doubt you’re any better, so just stop. Or keep going. They don’t care. They’re probably sleeping anyway and if you don’t like face-licking you’re not their type anyway) and then they mate upside-down. BADASSES! In about a year, a single baby sloth is born. It takes a long time to make the cutest baby animals, you know.
They’re also quite stylish, parting their belly hair, so the rain rolls right off. They also made friends with algae. The sloth’s hair makes a great home for algae, so the algae are happy, and the algae serves as camouflage for the sloths, so the sloths are happy.
They eat mostly leaves and are thus incredibly slow. They also have fruits! Who doesn’t love fruits, right? Only, this is actually really important to the environment, as some plants won’t germinate until after they have passed through a sloth’s digestive system. Thanks, sloths! They have slow metabolisms as well, which change along with their temperature, according to their environment. This particular species is also known to wobble its head a lot, probably because they have a song stuck in their head thanks to that annoying bird in the next tree.
You know how there’s always an exception? Well, once a week, they go down to the base of their tree and are not upside-down as they defecate and urinate. PLEASE don’t tell the jaguars and anacondas.